Further to my previous post, here is another article from my old Flipping Out blog. At the time I was trying to go for a News Thump or The Onion style news article style blog. I will be uploading them to this site over the next few days, and most follow a similar ‘fake news’ format.
So, here it is…
Millions of people were stunned by the Catholic Church in Ireland’s admission of guilt in regard to the mass extinction of the dinosaurs some 65 million years ago.
After many years of protests and campaigning, the dinosaurs closest living evolutionary relatives – birds – can finally have closure on this horrific event.
Cardinal Jimmy O’Jimson made the following announcement at around 10am on Monday morning, in Belfast:
‘In these modern times, we the Church, can finally come to terms with the atrocity committed by our early brethren. It is believed that the K-T Extinction event was a direct result of the Churches policy on attracting asteroids from the Kupier Belt to Earth, with the purpose of converting them to Christianity. One particular asteroid, now known as Saint Keith of Castlewellan, upon conversion to Christianity took exception to the dinosaurs Scientologist ways, and decided to murder them all. It is with great sympathy to the relatives of the dinosaurs i.e. birds that we finally admit our role in this.’Cardinal Jimmy O’Jimson
A report released from the Birds For Vengeance Campaign stated that relatives of the dinosaurs shall receive 65 million pounds worth of compensation, as well as rights to take over the earth when mankind inevitably nukes itself into extinction.
DUP politicians have lashed out at the Catholic Church and its provision of compensation. The Culture Minister for Northern Ireland made the following statement on behalf of crazy fundamentalist Protestants everywhere:
“This is all wrong. Everyone knows dinosaurs didn’t even exist and the world is only 6,000 years old. I urge everyone to go out and burn the museums and laboratories throughout the world. What has science ever done for us? I challenge science to a fight in the full knowledge that religion will be triumphant. How can science possibly defeat a bunch of nuts like us?”Billy McBiggot MLA
I’d like to respond directly to Billy by saying that government scientists are now using their scientific knowledge to heal sick people and make life better for everyone. Currently, religion appears to be poking poking itself in the eye with a sharp stick.
The war between science and religion is far from over, but in this dark time, hope has emerged with the birds finally getting justice for their ancestors. No members of Birds For Vengeance were able to provide quotes, as none of them can talk. Except for a really racist parrot.