One Ring to Rule Them All, and in Craigavon Bind Them

Another one from the vaults…this one has been updated slightly to correspond with the ridiculous situation Northern Irish government finds itself in i.e. there hasn’t been one for two years. I think this might actually be better than the current state of affairs….

View of new Craigavon Council Chambers.
Photo originally from an IO9 article

The political landscape of Northern Ireland changed forever last week in a way that no mortal could possibly have predicted. After two years of refusing to attend Stormont, and scratching their arses, all Northern Irish MLA’s have decided to return to work, after a series of strange events.

It began with the sighting of a strange cloud formation over Cookstown and hundreds reporting a feeling of being watched by a sinister presence. The strange formations moved to the south-east during the day and settled over Craigavon. So much was the public worry that an emergency meeting of the ‘Armagh City, Banbridge and Craigavon District Council’ was held. News agencies reported that none who entered the council chamber were seen to come out and any attempts to gain access into the building were thwarted by the apparent magical barrier that had been erected. Locals report that smoke was seen rising from the building while small earthquakes were also reported

After several days, politicians who were elected to, but were refusing to attend Stormont received an invitation, sent from within the council chambers, to attend the ongoing meeting in Craigavon with the promise of ‘finally figuring out a way to deal with the legacy of the Troubles and unite the good people of the Northern Ireland’. As a good will gift, twelve golden rings were also sent to the incumbent government ministers. Twelve rings that apparently would grant them the strength to govern their people. The invitation was reportedly signed by ‘Annatar, Giver of Gifts’.

Sure enough the government ministers attended the council chamber several days later, by which time the building resembled an active volcano, spewing out molten rock and toxic fumes. The ministers were in the building for days, before eventually emerging clothed in black and announcing that all political parties are to be disbanded and a single party system would be created. The new party would be called the ‘Ourselves Alone Democratic Union of Nazgul’. Sammy Wilson was seen to emerge from the chamber in a loin cloth, rambling about his burning ring, and his precious, while the other eleven ministers were now invisible, screeching creatures. But at least they all seem to be getting along now.

It was also revealed that the mysterious Annatar (also called Sauron) would be the leader of the party and that he would be making drastic changes to the country as listed below;

One Ring to Rule Them All,

And in Craigavon Bind Them

The new motto of the Northern Irish Government

  • Causeway Coast and Glens Council to be renamed Angmar
  • Lough Neagh eels are to be cross-bred with birds to create Fell-Beasts, on which the Ministers can patrol the skies of Northern Ireland
  • The Free Presbyterian Church to change its focus of worship to honour of Morgoth
  • Adults under 5 ft tall are to be culled ‘just in case’
  • The Gap of the North to be fitted with a large black gate
  • There will be an enforced hard border consisting of a six hundred ft high wall, patrolled by orcs
  • Massive employment in the science and manufacturing industries centred around creating an unstoppable war machine
  • Black clothing to be worn at all times
  • Slieve Donard to be renamed Orodruin (or Mount Doom to the common folk)
  • Michelle O’Neill and Arlene Foster to take on new roles as the Mouth and Black Hand of Sauron respectively
  • Free eye tests for everyone
  • The Petition of Concern mechanism is to be scrapped

One thought on “One Ring to Rule Them All, and in Craigavon Bind Them

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