The Sun Has Lost His Hat; Billions Doomed!

Another one from the vaults, again slightly updated to match the times we now live in….this one deals with a sudden catastrophic solar event, involving the loss of a hat…

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Sun Has lost his hat, hip, hip, hip hooray, the sun has lost his hat and it’s causing judgement day’

As you may have noticed, the lyrics to the popular song have been altered; the sun has not got his hat on, and he will not be out today. In fact the sun has lost his hat, and as such will not be coming out for a very long time until he can locate it.

The Sun first realised he had lost his hat at some point last night. It is believed that a rogue White Dwarf broke into the Suns house, and made off with said hat.

The Suns hat, which is known scientifically as Solaris Metamorph-hatius was first observed from Earth by Galileo in 1640. It forms the main part of what scientists refer to as the Suns ‘social niche’. Four Solar ‘social niches’ make up the year:

  1. The Chav Niche (Autumn time on Earth) when the Suns hat appears to be the shape of a baseball cap.
  2. The New Romantic Niche (Winter time on Earth) when the hat appears as pirate hat for some reason
  3. The Raver Niche (Spring time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a builders hard hat with a little propeller on top.
  4. The Fantasy Geek Niche (Summer time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a wizards cowl.

It is predicted that it will take the sun 1 million years to find its lost hat. People will first begin to realise the sun is no longer coming out when the Earth is left in total darkness and temperature drops to absolute zero causing the planet to freeze and all life on Earth to die instantly.

President Trump made comments on the the emergency yesterday morning;

‘This is indeed a tricky situation, but I am certain that mankind will be able to survive its own extinction. One million years without light and heat isn’t really that long anyway. I existed without light for years. I did. No heat, either. I love the sun. Big respect. Best sun ever. Build that wall!’

President Trump

Environmental campaigner, and former Vice-President, Al Gore has said;


‘FUCK YOU ALL! I WARNED YOU! WHY DID YOU ALL NOT WATCH AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH. GOD DAMN IT’

Al Gore on the loss of the piece of solar millinery

Paddy O’Door, a random drunk I met on the street has said;

‘It’ll be like The Day After Tomorrow times five. But maybe it will end up being like the Lion King, or Diamonds Are Forever, who’s to know?’

Paddy O’Door

While it is known that the short term effects of the Suns hat loss will be death to all life on Earth, there has been little research into the long term effects. We remain hopeful.

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